Confused White Woman

Someone shared this with me. I thought it was interesting…

I’m a married white female in my early 30’s. I have blond hair and am what most men would consider to be good looking. My husband and I have been married for six years. I recently discovered he has been looking at interracial porn on the internet, basically black men having sex with white women. There seems to be an underlying theme of White Wives cheating on their husbands with well-endowed black men, sometimes with the white husbands being forced to watch.

This was a very disturbing discovery for me. I was appalled and surprised that my husband has so much of this stuff on his computer and in his internet history. What’s even worse is he looks at “cuckold” porn and many of the women in these videos have the same look that I do, thin, white women with blond hair and blue eyes. If you do not know what interracial cuckold is, it’s porn where a white man watches his wife have sex with a black man. The black man always has a much larger penis and the white man is verbally and physically humiliated by his wife and the black man. Why does my husband look at this stuff? Is it possible that he is thinking of me while he watches it? Why would he fantasize and masturbate to thoughts of me with black men?

As I found this pornography on my husband’s computer, I began looking at it more and more. My husband doesn’t know that I know about his fetish. It began is detective work to find out what turns him on and what he spends his time looking at.

I was raised in a racist family in the south and was taught to stay away from black men. I have never been with a black man. And now here is the even bigger problem.

It’s beginning to turn ME on as well. When I was looking at my husband’s computer there was one picture of a blond girl that looks a lot like I do, with a very large black man. I was shocked and excited at the size of his penis. I hate to admit it because it makes me feel so ashamed, but I masturbated that night while viewing the picture. I didn’t want to, but I was so turned on that I felt like I couldn’t stop myself. I felt dirty afterward but it was just the beginning of my addiction.

Now I’ve began viewing these interracial picture of black men with women on my own computer. These fantasies are dominating my sex life, and I’ve lost interest in having sex with my husband. Just the sight of a black man’s penis seems to get me going and I can’t stop thinking about it. One re-occurring fantasy I have been having is being “taken” by a group of black men, like muscular athletic men. When I go out in public and see a black man walking by, I think about him sexually even if my husband is by my side. I look at his crotch!

This is an intrusive fantasy that has been affecting my marriage and sex life. I would like to know what I can do to stop it, and get my husband to stop looking at it as well.

It now has me constantly fantasizing about having sex with black men, and I’ve lost interest in my husband. I feel like it’s awakened a sleeping dragon in me, and put ideas in my head that I don’t want to have.

It has been very bad, for both my husband and I.

I never would have expected this from him naturally. But these websites seem to have put many thoughts in his head. The disturbing trend in these videos on my husband’s computer is the latent homosexuality. I am now wondering if my husband is gay or bisexual.

One particular site he views has very large black men having sex with these small petite white women, and they are forcing their white husbands to watch. Sometimes there are 3 to 5 black men. The white women compares her husband’s penis to that of her lovers, and laughs at him. The black men then ravage the white woman in front of her husband and make fun of him. The white woman will often perform oral sex on the black men’s penis and then kiss her husband right afterwards. The black men then ejaculate all over the white woman’s vagina (or sometimes even inside it) and the white man is forced to lick it off her, or she sits on his face and it drips all over him.

Why would my husband look at this for any other reason than having homosexual feelings? There is no doubt in my mind that he has fantasized about me doing this to him with black men, as the girls in the videos all resemble me.

I realize that if I ever acted out on these fantasies it would cause big problems. I am trying to fight the feelings they give me. Most times I get a tingle down there and just can’t help myself. I know if I ever acted on these fantasies in real life it would totally ruin our marriage. It is just fantasy, but I feel it it’s a very harmful one.

And I can’t talk to him about it. I don’t want my husband to know I’ve found out and that it turns me on. If he knew he would surely want to act it out in real life and it would push the envelope even further. I am afraid what might happen to our sex life after that

I’ve tried so hard to stop looking at these images, but I always go back.

It gets me so excited. I get a rush of adrenaline through my body. It’s almost like a drug I can’t resist. My clit begins throbbing and I can’t stop touching myself. The orgasm I get is enough reward to keep me viewing the images. I’m so turned on by these images that I wonder if anything else could ever turn me on so much. I can’t recall anything ever making me feel like I’ve lost control like this before.

I have lost all sexual interest in my husband. I never really thought of him as having a small penis. To me it was always just perfect. But now I realize how small it really is.

When I see a black man in public, I subconsciously stare at his crotch area and wonder what his penis is like. There is one black man that works in my building who has begun flirting with me. I wonder if I accidentally sent him signals to come talk to me or whatever. Sometimes I see him staring at my body and I just get wet thinking what intercourse with him would be like. I know it’s wrong and that I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, but it’s like this other side of me takes over and I give in to the desire. If he were to pursue me I don’t know if I could say no, especially if he got kind of aggressive about it.

One day I saw an interracial couple playing volleyball at the beach. She was a petite blond. He was a very muscular black man. It immediately reminded me of the pornographic videos I’ve seen online. I thought about them having sex and actually felt a burning jealousy. I actually felt jealous that she was with him and I wasn’t. I started wondering if he would be attracted to me, where he worked, where he lived, what kind of car he drove, and crazy things like that.

At that moment there was nothing I wanted more than to experience it myself. I thought to myself “lucky girl” and then wanted to smack myself in the head for thinking such a thing.

What’s even more disturbing is how racist and degrading many of the films are towards white people. It makes me feel ashamed and guilty afterward. How can I get rid of this craving?

Another point I should bring up is my husband is racist. He openly calls them niggers and makes jokes about them. Meanwhile he secretly masturbates to photos of big black men having sex with white women. I don’t understand it.

I was also raised in a racist family and taught to stay away from blacks. I have never been attracted to black men before, but now it’s become an unstoppable craving that I feel like I need to satisfy. I look at photos of their large penises and wonder how one of them would feel inside of me. I look at these black penises and I’m always in total shock at how huge they are. It really, really excites me.

It also makes me feel dirty and naughty, but it turns me on beyond belief. I used to hear all the time when I was in high school and college that only whores have sex with black men. Am I a whore because of how I feel?

Mentally I know it’s wrong, but physically my body tells me it’s right. My mouth waters and my clit throbs. Like throbs! The black men are just so big. The thrill I get from looking at their penis is probably similar to who men feel when viewing large breasts. I never get these feelings when looking at a white penis though.

I just feel this great shame and guilt for my new addiction.

Does my husband feel the same way about it? I have no idea.

The thing that makes me feel so sexually frustrated is watching the pleasure on the white women’s faces. I compare the sex they are having with black men to my own sex life with my husband and I feel jealous. These women are having their desires fulfilled while my husband would rather masturbate to these videos than have sex with me. I see them having vaginal orgasms (something I’ve never had) with black men. I see them just like creaming on the black man’s penis. I’ve never creamed on my husband’s penis.

My husband is only average or slightly below average and merely pokes in and out of me. I feel like these women are having all the fun while I am missing out on something. My husband does not turn me on anymore and I actually feel resentment towards him.

It makes me so upset that this has affected our relationship and sex life.

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