A MARRIED WOMAN’S GUIDE TO A HAPPIER MORE FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP
INTRODUCTION; COURTSHIP AND ROMANCE
“All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.”
Once upon a time, you’ll remember, your husband would bring you flowers, open doors for you and generally offer you his open and sincere heart. If your marriage is like most marriages it has grown comfortable and, let’s admit it, stale, over time. “The thrill is gone,” is the lament of so many married couples. Familiarity and routine, recriminations and disappointments, take a predictable toll on happy-every-after relationships. Husbands and wives drift apart, physically and emotionally, or maintain alliances of custom and convenience, keepers of a flickering flame. By the time you hit midlife, your marriage is “settled” and most often things start to cool down. Certain aspects become repetitive as people take each other for granted. The love may still be there but it is a less passionate, more platonic love; a familiar love. In the most negative instances this can lead to increasing unhappiness and frustration and ultimately, in the worst case scenario, infidelity and divorce. Even in the best cases, I will offer, it is less of a marriage than it could be.
If you don’t believe me, allow me to refresh your memory a little. I am now talking to women who are married or who were married before. Remember when you were first dating? Remember how accommodating your future husband was and how all his desires were directed at you? Think back… Remember how he was so sweet and kind. Remember how he used to bring you flowers or little gifts? He would do whatever you wanted to do and go wherever you wanted to go. Do you remember what it was like, how exciting it all was? Remember your wedding day, and the love and romance of your honeymoon? Remember that? Remember how much you loved him then? Let me ask you this. Has it changed? If so, what do you think changed?
Of course once you got married, your day-to-day interactions will almost always have changed, become more domestic. Maybe relatives or in-laws took more of your time and in many cases children entered the mix. Regardless of this evolution, almost certainly your husband’s attitude changed, didn’t he?
- Did he tend to ignore you?
- Did more and more often something become a fight and/or an argument?
- Did he become a little more selfish?
- Did he start to disrespect you in private or maybe even in public?
- Maybe he started to hang around his friends again or he watched television all the time or he played video games or he surfed the web continuously.
- Did he become absorbed with work and work related activities?
- Did he start to refuse to go with you to visit your friends and family?
- Did he refuse to go with you shopping or to the places that he once loved to go along with you just to be near you?
- Did the flowers and gifts stop?
- Maybe he became cheap and tight with money?
- Then there is the sex. Sex used to happen anywhere or anytime, used to last all night and be so exciting. Now, has it become boring, predictable and fast?
Perhaps you have asked your self, what happened to the passion? What happened to the romantic guy that you were dating? While it is unlikely that all of the above symptoms apply in your particular circumstance, I’m sure virtually every married woman will be able to point to some of the above as prevalent in her marriage.
There seems a sad inevitability in all this. Most wives assume that this is the natural course of marriage like the erosion of a rock by a river or the fading of paint in the sunlight. Love has its seasons, as John Gray reminds us in “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. It’s folly to expect eternal springtime, perpetual romance. Most marriage counselors would agree. Divorce attorneys can be even more pragmatic. They know that once the cancer of disaffection has spread, the damage is almost always irreversible.
But what if it’s not necessarily true? What if love can be rekindled, even the all-consuming passion of first love? And not rekindled briefly, for just a season, but “ever after,” creating that fairytale future couples dream about when saying their vows? As you ask yourself the above questions, think about how exciting and fulfilling your life and your relationship could be if this were possible. Well, the answer is that it can be exactly like this if this is what you want.
This is not fantasy. This is not theory. The wisdom I share is based on the experience of real wives in a variety of real marriages. This is an important point because as you read this, at first you may not believe it will work or think that it may work for someone else but not for you. If you are skeptical I can only urge that you set aside your skepticism long enough to read, understand, and experiment with the ideas we will discuss. You will be able to reduce your skepticism by taking small steps to gain confidence and satisfying yourself that what I say not only is true but that it does apply to your specific situation.
The fact of the matter is that it is not the absence of love that grinds relationships downward towards tedious routine. Rather, it is a consequence of something that most couples leave behind when they become married: Courtship.
“Courtship was 15 or 16 years ago for my wife and me,” one husband eloquently testified. “Now that we are married, courtship seems a distant memory.”
Consider also the following excerpt from a recent letter to an advice columnist.
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for three years, and my husband and I recently had a baby boy. I adore being a mother, but lately, I’ve begun to have serious questions about my marriage.
“All the romance and passion have dwindled to almost nothing. My husband and I can go for days without so much as a touch, and yet it doesn’t seem to bother him. He used to be very affectionate, but it seems he’s forgotten how. Whenever I try to make time for just the two of us, he is ‘too tired.’ I know he works hard, but I’m becoming frustrated and angry.
I tried to talk to my husband about this recently and asked him, ‘Where did my romantic husband go? Have you seen him?’ He laughed and replied, ‘There is no need for romance after marriage. Guys just do that stuff to get a girl.”
Anything sound familiar?
So what exactly do we mean by courtship and how does it fit in?
Courtship is the act of wooing in love, it is a man seeking the affection of a woman with intent to romance.
By reviving courtship in your marriage you can discover new possibilities of love and passion that you had thought long lost. You can recreate the kind of passionate love in your marriage that you experienced when you were first dating your husband. Working together you can rekindle courtship.
THE ESSENTIALS OF COURTSHIP
“Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.”
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
To understand the essentials of courtship, you must consider the basic character of both men and women. Millions of years of evolution have produced creatures with certain fundamental and immutable characteristics. One of these is that all males have the hunter’s gene within them. They are the hunters, the pursuers, the competitors. Men have hunted and competed for everything throughout the ages from the haunch of a wild boar on the tropical plains of Africa to the possession of a pigskin on a gridiron. Of course one of the greatest prizes that men have always pursued is the affections and attentions of women. Thus, women can be seen as the prize for which men compete, they are the pursued.
Men will work to overcome all manner of obstacles in order to successfully gain their prizes. The gaining of the prize itself though is not always what it seems. Men do not value or respect that which they have won too easily. While prehistoric man would indeed hunt slower, tamer animals for food, it was the hunt of the more ferocious carnivorous animals that would dominate the folklore and lend itself to the creation of art & ornamentation drawn from the slain animals’ remains. Likewise no modern professional football player would value an easily gained victory against a local amateur team. It is the hard-fought victory over equal or preferably even greater odds that has value. In a similar vein, the woman who offers herself too quickly and too easily to men is seldom respected or valued. Many women would no doubt be familiar with acquaintances in their school years who would willingly and eagerly have sex with numerous young males, so-called “easy lays”. These young women would invariably find themselves not respected or highly valued by the men who would so readily partake of her sexual favours.
Therefore we can see that men will value the prize that they pursue in direct proportion to the amount of effort necessary to achieve that particular goal. It is also obvious then that the effort that a man is willing to expend will increase according to the value of the prize he is pursuing. Bringing ourselves back to our courting discussion we can now see that in order for a man to win the prize of his lady, he must expend effort. In most cases a great deal of effort. As discussed the more effort he must expend, the greater will be his perception of the eventual prize. Thus when seeking that most wondrous of prizes, a female’s attention, men are willing to expend prodigious amounts of effort. This is essentially what we see in the dating/ courting phase of male/female relationships. So when we now consider the dating behaviour exhibited by your husband that we discussed at the beginning of this article we see that he was engaged in a chase with your attentions and affections as the prize. For a male there is no greater symbol of the winning of that chase than that of achieving a sexual relationship with his desired woman.
Thus as we can see male sexual desire is, stimulated by challenge. Yes, that’s right. The greater the challenge, the greater the sexual desire. No wonder then that marriage becomes stale. When your husband no longer has to pursue you for sex he loses passion. Your desire for his attention only leads to frustration and disappointment for both of you.
Returning to the concept of courtship, we can now see that effort is an essential element of courtship. A man does not pursue that which he already has. This is the key concept in the loss of courtship in most marriages. Too many marriages proceed on the assumption that the romance has been won, the prize awarded, the chase ended. The most tangible attribute of the romance, sex, may be fun and enjoyable but much of the passion is robbed by the certainty of sex in marriage.
The key to rediscovering courtship in marriage is to withdraw the certainty of the consummated romance. This simple idea leads in all sorts of interesting and exciting directions. The purpose of this article is to explore some of these, to point you in the direction of others and to enable you to rediscover courtship in your marriage and thereby bring back that excitement and passion that has been diminished or lost.
As we move forward in this discussion, I would like all my female readers to understand this is not a one sided campaign. This is fun. F-U-N fun! Whatever you do, both you and your husband will do it together because both of you want to make it happen. You and your husband can really add new dimensions to your marriage and turn each day into a new page in an ongoing novel of romantic play.
AN OBJECT OF WORSHIP
We are all attracted to people who exhibit self-confidence. This is only natural.
Courtship is, more than anything else, an act of adoration. To be courted you must summon the self-confidence to expect and demand his adoration, to become the object of his desires. Easier said than done, right? Well, not by much.
The only difficult step, it turns out, is to decide with absolute and unswerving sincerity that your goal is to be worshiped by your husband. We’ll discuss how later but for now, you only must dedicate yourself to that goal. That is not to say that you will measure your self-esteem by your husband’s attention. Rather, you will not accept anything less from your husband than outright worshipful adoration.
Understand that you are worthy of his adoration by the very fact that you are married. You need no further justification than that. You are his wife therefore he should adore you. You have, within you, an erotic potential. That potential was not lost with your youth. It is there still waiting to be reawakened. You must reawaken it within yourself.
To become the object of his worship you must learn to comfortably make the most of your erotic potential with your husband.
This will become the focal point of your new marital relationship. This is not to say that it is a substitute for love. On the contrary, it will become for both of you a new and powerful expression of your love for one another. This will shape and transform your marriage. Your love for him remains certain and unconditional as before. It is romance only, which becomes uncertain and conditional. It is important to distinguish between the two.
Don’t worry if you lack confidence in the beginning. Take baby steps to find your way. Confidence will come with positive results. But do not confuse your lack of confidence with your commitment. Be committed and find your way to fulfilling that commitment. Age is not a factor. Weight is not a factor. Beauty is not a factor. These things are not relevant here. Sexual attraction is 90% mental, only 10% physical. Most women are harder on themselves than are their husbands. You don’t need to be a beauty queen to be a sex goddess. Females have the essence to attract, captivate and hold sway over men. It is within you and you just need to release it. If you will release this powerful female essence within you, you will have your man begging to romance you. It’s all about how you act, not how you look. It’s the attitude.
You don’t have to be skinny. As a matter of fact, many men like a larger woman. However, you don’t want to be fat and you do want to be fit for the sake of your own health and well being. If you are overweight and out of shape, don’t feel bad about yourself and don’t get discouraged. You can lose the weight. It just takes a quality decision. Proper diet and moderate exercise will lead you in that direction. This article is not a primer in weight reduction. There is much excellent information elsewhere for this. But any steps you take will help you to feel so much better about yourself and the better you feel both physically and mentally, the more confident you will be and the more sexual energy that will be radiating from you.
This works for one very simple reason: Your husband needs and wants to worship you. He may not be consciously aware of it but the male psychology fundamentally desires pursuit. As we have already seen, as much as you desire to be courted so your husband desires to court. It’s our nature as human beings. You need only exploit that desire. The nature of this desire is, essentially, sexual. Sex is the goal. And, not coincidentally, it is the means as well. Sexual desire is what stimulates romantic passion.
ANTICIPATION IS GREATER THAN REALIZATION
To further understand this most basic aspect of human relations you must appreciate the essential difference in female and male sexuality. Whereas most couples pay only lip service to their differences, wives who fully appreciate these differences are able to tap directly into the inherent erotic potential within their marriages. As noted before, male sexuality is oriented on the chase. Like a thoroughbred horse which enjoys nothing more than a hard run, the typical male enjoys nothing more than the pursuit of a woman for sex. The more lengthy and challenging the pursuit, the more exiting and determined the chase. The more hurdles he must overcome, the more he will strive for the prize and the more it will be appreciated when eventually attained. You, on the other hand, will appreciate his new attention and energy in pursuit of you.
Exercising your erotic potential then is as simple as placing these hurdles for your husband to overcome in your romantic relationship.
Some husbands who discover their own needs in this regard will go to enormous lengths to persuade their wives to exercise their erotic potential with them. Because of social taboos regarding the exercise of power in relationships it can be difficult for some wives to be comfortable with their erotic potential even when their husbands are begging for it.
So how can you best position these hurdles for your husband? As we have seen the most tangible aspect of romance for your husband is the activity of sex. Based on the biological imperatives in the make up of men, the apex of his sexual activity must be the ejaculation of his semen. Therefore in order to re-stoke the dormant furnace of your husband’s desire it is necessary for the wife to establish control of the incidence and the activities of sex and most importantly to remove the certainty of ejaculation from the sexual equation. Only then will the husband truly realize that his prize must once again be courted and won, on a continual and daily basis. The husband, rather than becoming the conqueror, remains suitor and when the couple goes to bed, courtship continues. Under these playful new arrangements, “making love” retains its older, courtly connotations.
It’s important to understand that men are almost always in the mood for sex. This is the way men are biologically wired. And it is not difficult for men to have orgasms. Men orgasm as a matter of course. A man who is concentrating on achieving his orgasm can do so in a matter of a few minutes. Strictly speaking then, biology has programmed men to engage in an activity that consists of a few minutes of friction leading to ejaculation. You surely noticed that there is no requirement in this process for a woman to climax or even to enjoy the activity. It is only when the sexual needs of women are taken into account that the act of sex turns into something more than the absolute basics above and evolves into love-making. Coincidentally as men learn to accommodate those needs and reciprocate the women’s desires they find their own enjoyment of sexual activity greatly increasing. Thus for example, engaging in lengthy sexual sessions with various acts of foreplay and after play add nothing to the primal urge of the male. However although it does have as its primary and actual goal the pleasure of the female partner, it can also become intensely pleasurable to the male as well, in large part because of his perception that the female is satisfied. Through this the male learns that he can increase and prolong his sexual pleasure at one particular session by postponing orgasm and concentrating on female-centric activities.
George Gilder notes in his book – Men and Marriage: “Women manipulate male sexual desire in order to teach men the long-term cycles of female sexuality and biology on which civilization is based.”
The problem is that, while a husband may genuinely seek to satisfy his wife sexually, his natural, innate tendency is to achieve his primal goal, consummation of intercourse, with a minimal expenditure of energy. Even men who try to overcome these tendencies will only be partially successful. After all, that’s precisely what evolution has bred him to do, that’s how the male of the species maximizes his genetic contribution.
Clearly these goals are in conflict and more often than not, in the passion of making love, it is the primal instincts which win out. He doesn’t mean to be this way, but he is. Only you can change this by taking control of the situation and ensuring that his ejaculation takes place at a suitable time.
As we have seen it is the attention to the female’s needs that have made sex a thoroughly enjoyable activity for both man and woman. Thus you must train your husband that sex is for your benefit, not his. It is not the case that he is no longer to be allowed to enjoy sex. On the contrary, you will find that under the new arrangement he will be more excited and satisfied than ever. It is simply that men want to please women in bed and that when sex is directed at your satisfaction, your husband will inevitably be satisfied as well. His satisfaction may take new and varied forms, but he will definitely increase his satisfaction level along with yours.
The arrangement you want to establish as a couple is simply this: intimate activities happen when you, the wife, want them to happen and how you want them to happen. You do not have sex simply because your husband is aroused. You engage in intimate activity when you are in the mood for it and you decide the type of activity that you are in the mood for. Both man & wife acknowledge that the wife’s satisfaction and pleasure are paramount. The satisfaction that he gains from your sessions will be in direct proportion to the pleasure you experience.
It’s important to understand that at this point we are speaking about a broad range of intimate activity, which will include but is not limited to traditional sexual intercourse. Take for example a situation where you might like a long slow body massage with hot oil. This would be considered by many including this writer as an intimate activity. A massage of this type might well lead to a sexual interlude of some sort, but it is crucial to understand that it need not do so unless you wish it. In many cases perhaps you would like to simply drift off into sleep at the conclusion of such an activity. Too many women would be afraid to have their husband give them such a massage on a regular basis because they would then feel obligated to allow the husband to turn the activity into sexual intercourse irregardless of their desire at the time. Under this program you will make such decisions based on your own particular feelings.
As we move forward in this particular part of the discussion, consider the following excerpt from Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partner Sex by Betty Dodson Ph.D.
The Myth of Foreplay
It's totally understandable why heterosexual men and women want to climax from penis/vagina sex - how convenient, how easy, and how wonderful to have partner sex be consistently and mutually orgasmic. However, if Romeo's firm penis moving sweetly inside Juliet's wet vagina provides orgasms for nearly every man and a mere handful of women, what are we going to do about the majority of women who cannot climax from vaginal penetration alone? We can broaden our definition of partner sex to include some form of direct stimulation of a woman's clitoris either manually or with a vibrator during heterosexual lovemaking.
Let's start with the concept of foreplay. Women's magazines as well as many sex books emphasize the importance of "foreplay" for couples. We are told that women want more of it and men don't do enough of it. It's been my observation that a little appetizer of kissing, breast fondling, and clitoral touching before the main course of penetration is seldom enough to satisfy the sexual appetite of most red-blooded women. Just as she is getting excited from some form of direct clitoral contact, he stops and penetrates her vagina. While he is enjoying his ideal erotic sensation with his penis moving inside her, she is now struggling to get a little indirect clitoral contact, which for most women can't compare to consistent clitoral stimulation all the way to orgasm.
Imagine a man being told he can rub his penis inside a woman's vagina as foreplay, but when it's time for his orgasm, she must be sitting on his face penetrating his mouth with her clitoris. This will give him a "mature oral orgasm." He must not reach down and touch his penis while she's fucking him in the mouth or she'll think her clitoris isn't big enough to provide his orgasm. To protect her female ego, he ends up faking orgasm, but he figures it's worth it to keep the peace. Later on he can masturbate in the bathroom, or if she's a sound sleeper, he can finish himself off in bed providing he can come while holding his breath and not moving so as not to wake her.
Instead of using the word "foreplay," we need to think of a new term to use, such as "sexplay." Most women desire clitoral pleasure in the beginning of, during, and sometimes even after partner sex, if she wants to come again.
As Ms. Dodson illustrates there is more to sex than simply the penetration of the vagina with the penis. Penetrative intercourse does not have to be the omnipresent “main course” of a couple’s sex life. A sexual experience need not consist of a series of brief appetizers followed by the sexual main course of intercourse. In fact each pleasurable activity is in itself worthy of being a main course. There are times when one enjoys a 5 course meal but very often a single course meal will also suffice. You should feel free to choose such a single course from the entire smorgasbord of sexual & intimate activity available to you.
So as discussed above, you can now view any intimate activity as an end in itself, not necessarily to be coupled with sexual intercourse as its logical endpoint. As you explore this concept you will no doubt discover your husband’s eagerness to participate in any number of intimate or personal activities. Let’s remember too that intimate times are not solely restricted by activities that involve the removal of one’s clothing.
Here are a few suggestions that you might want to explore with your husband.
“Ever just want to talk, take him shopping with you, take quiet walks together, share special moments, or just hold hands?” a wife asks. “Now you will have the tools to make it happen. How about a good, old-fashioned necking session on the couch like when you were teenagers? Kissing games? The list is limited only by your imagination.”
A great number of wives report being able to interest their husbands in assisting with their beautification and grooming regimens. Their husbands gladly, even eagerly assist in giving the wife a bath, toweling her off, shaving her legs, combing her hair, giving her a pedicure or similar grooming activities. They enjoy these activities in part because they know they are pleasing their wives, but they also perceive in part that they are preparing their wives, making them more attractive and desirable for themselves. Have you ever had your husband trim or shave your pubic hair? What about his? In preparation for social activity, think about having your husband assist you with your lingerie, helping you put your nylons on or helping with other articles of clothing. By accenting the sensuality of these activities it is possible to create a certain level of stimulation while also benefiting from your husband’s attention.
The concept we are developing is not that these are favors your husband does for which you pay with sex. Rather these activities are an end in themselves and it is you who are doing your husband the favor by allowing him proximity to your highly desirable self. A byproduct might certainly be that these attentions might tend to put you in the mood for intimate activity, but that must be a case by case decision with no automatic link to be construed.
PUTTING THEORY INTO ACTION
Let us now turn to specific practical advice. Following is a suggested approach designed to bring both of you into a comfort zone wherein the certainty of sex and ejaculation is replaced with an ongoing erotic aura. You will most likely achieve positive results following these steps as described but you should also feel free to adapt them to your own particular circumstances. For example, some couples may be comfortable enough jumping in at a particular stage or be willing to skip steps, others may want to linger at each step or even add their own variations to the process. As long as you end up at the same destination, your route is not overly important.
As we consider how to implement our new philosophy, a great many wives would interject that sex with their husbands always ends in intercourse and ejaculation. How does one move away from that habit to this new paradigm? First, as we have seen and as the following passage indicates, immediate ejaculation is not the all-encompassing essential goal for men despite what most women might believe. Second, as with most aspects of human behaviour the answer is to take a gradual approach.
Learning how to lengthen the arousal and erection period while delaying orgasm is an important part of maximizing enjoyment from sex. As the erection proceeds, the physical sensations become increasingly more and more exciting, and the psychological pressure to ejaculate becomes more and more intense. The trick is to lean to keep the stimulation just below the level required for ejaculation while learning to deal with the increasing psychological pressure to ejaculate. Like driving a racing car closer and closer to a wall at ever high speeds, the psychological pleasure becomes more and more intense, the longer the arousal can be maintained without ejaculation, but the greater the enjoyment for the man. Furthermore, the longer this stage can be maintained, the more powerful and enjoyable the orgasm will be for the man. Thus, developing skills for doing this and dealing with the psychological desire to ejaculate for as long as possible are essential for the full enjoyment of partner (and solo) sex, and this is what requires practice. Women usually require a somewhat longer period of time to become fully aroused, so being able to delay orgasm potentially increases the enjoyment of sex by both partners.
Many women believe that men are happier the more frequently they can have intercourse. This is not really accurate. What men truly enjoy is being aroused with their partner (and as their partner is also aroused) while both remain in an aroused state for a long period of time, delaying orgasm for as long as is comfortable and possible.
Understanding Male Sexuality by David Sebringsil.
The first step in this evolution is to establish in both your mind and your husbands mind the link between his ejaculation and your consent. As the Lady who is courted, it is very important to your husband to please you. As we have also seen, undergoing a trial or challenge for that purpose is stimulating to the male and is as time-honored and established as the behaviour of the medieval knights undertaking quests on behalf of their Ladies. Therefore at this stage you simply want to establish the request and consent structure that will be an important part of your interaction. This is as simple as getting your husband to tell you before he ejaculates and ensuring he asks your consent to do so. At this initial stage this is essentially your husband wanting to ensure that you have been sufficiently stimulated during your lovemaking session and that the mutual timing is right for him to orgasm and consequently end the session. After the male ejaculates, it is rare for love making to continue.
Therefore when the husband approaches his peak, he should ask his wife in terms that she is comfortable with for her approval of his orgasm. At this stage, I would recommend that the wife assent, usually in an enthusiastic manner and let him proceed to his climax. As noted, the purpose of this stage is to connect in both the husband and wife’s mind the act of ejaculation with the approval from the wife for such action. This process of request & consent will form the basis of what follows.
Soon the wife should start to use this link to time the husband’s ejaculation to coincide with her desires. The difference between this stage and the previous one is that now the wife’s assent will not automatically immediately follow the husband’s request. Therefore when the husband asks to ejaculate, the wife will now seek to delay his orgasm till the moment that she prefers. This may entail a delay of a few seconds to several minutes or longer depending on circumstances. Even if she has experienced a satisfactory sexual session to this point and sees no particular sensory advantage to herself in delaying his orgasm when he asks, it is important at this stage to deny the initial request. Thus making the husband wait, even if only a matter of a few seconds establishes her assent as the primary trigger for his orgasm.
The goal at this juncture is to condition both husband and wife to the concept that approval need not necessarily follow immediately after request. There is no automatic immediate rubber-stamp to the husband’s request but rather a conscious decision made by the wife. You have the right and authority to in fact delay your approval till that moment in time that meets your preference.
As your comfort level increases with the concept of approving your husband’s ejaculation, you will now move to the stage where the husband will really begin to appreciate the fact that there are hurdles in the path of his pursuit of his wife. At this stage in your intimate activities, the husband will ask for permission from his wife to ejaculate as usual. Now, however, you will raise the hurdle that the husband must overcome to please you. You must answer in the negative when he asks to ejaculate. Your love making session should continue to supply you with the quantity and quality of stimulation that you desire but it must conclude without the husband’s ejaculation. This will establish an important milestone in your relationship. You will have definitely shown that you are in control of the lovemaking process. Your husband will no longer be able to take for granted that your romantic interludes will result in a “capture of the prey”. As a consequence, you will now stretch out your husband’s pursuit of you over an extended period.
The first time you engage in a sexual activity with your husband that has as its sole purpose, pleasing you, it will quite possibly feel somewhat exotic and a little foreign to your experience. But as you get over the novelty of the event you will find it a tremendously empowering and erotically fulfilling experience. Some women say they get an erotic power rush from this experience, however some say they feel guilty or bad for their husbands. This is often the most difficult moment for many women who follow this program. I always feel it essential to once again remind women at this point that everything in this program is consensual for both husband and wife and requires whole-hearted support from both. Also you must keep in mind that ejaculation is not denied to your husband, merely rationed and that this is all part of a process to enable you and your husband to rekindle your romantic love. By this important step of not consenting to his ejaculation, essentially the love making session has not closed off for him but continues into the next day and throughout the day. It extends and intensifies the husband’s pleasure, saving him from a quick release followed by an even quicker loss of desire–climax and anti-climax and produces a sexual tension that far exceeds the short-lived orgasm in excitement and intensity.
As one husband reported,
“My wife plays me like a fiddle. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not protesting, I’m bragging. I’m right where I want to be, in her clutches, and wouldn’t trade places with any man on earth. I’ve discovered that the joy of constant arousal far outweighs the momentary experience of ejaculation.”
Another husband, who is rationed, admitted that,
“It is a very erotic experience for me. Even at work she is constantly on my mind.”
A third writes,
“My wife likes to kiss me, hug me, get me all excited, then send me off to work. Her feelings and thoughts and touches remain on my mind all day long and I just can’t wait for the day to end so I can see her. Therefore, when we finally have sex at her choosing, it is such an exciting time for me.”
Once you pass this important milestone, you will find in your subsequent love making session that your husband will be more enthusiastic, more caring, more interested in pleasing you. Enjoy his attentions, revel in his adoration. When he does ask to ejaculate, you will probably want to give him some positive feedback and approval so I recommend you only delay him a few minutes and then you grant your permission. You will no doubt see him experience a tremendous rush when he does have his orgasm.
By now you will have established that you are a prize to be highly desired; one that is not easily gained and one that requires your husband to expend considerable effort to attain. There is no more automatic capture of this prize. The hunter must now be more alert and use all his skills more diligently to capture his prey. Accomplishing this will be the link in both your minds that the incidence of his ejaculation is rationed and now at your direction. Therefore at this point you will now need to stretch out your level of management. This will mean rationing your husband’s orgasm at not only one lovemaking session but at the next 2 or 3 subsequent sessions also. The rate of permission should be varied according to your own schedule. You are now establishing that you need to be pursued over a longer period than the few days between subsequent love making sessions. The pursuit and courtship must be constant and continual. This extended outcome plays with your husband’s mind, increasing his excitement. Meanwhile, ongoing intimate activities – activities that need not be confined to the bedroom – also work to his advantage. He experiences an increase in sexual excitement, with an intensity he has probably not known since adolescence. Only his game-ending climaxes are reduced.
You will soon find that the more you manage your husband’s ejaculations, the more he will desire and pursue you. This will result in more attention, more caring, more love, more romance, in short … more courtship. As you move into this phase you will need to establish the balance point at which it becomes wisest to grant your husband his orgasm. Depending on your age, lifestyle and the frequency of your sexual sessions before you began this program, you will need to decide on a starting point and work from there. I usually advise younger couples who might have sex 3 or more times a week to start at allowing orgasm at weekly intervals, middle-aged couples (with more involved lifestyles, possibly with children) who might be having sex 1 or 2 times a week could start with a bi-weekly orgasm. Wherever you start, you will need to gradually start increasing the length of time between orgasms until you reach the point of maximum effectiveness. This will be the point at which the caring and romance start to turn towards irritation and negative behaviour. When you see this type of behaviour developing, you should back off the length slightly and use this as your guidepost going forward. Timeframes that couples use can vary from 14 – 21 days to as much as 90 days or longer. Typically 30 days is not unusual for couples in their 30’s or 40’s. As in all we have discussed previously, be prepared to listen to your husband’s feedback, both verbal and non-verbal to guide you to the best balance.
Once you reach this stage and settle in at an appropriate level all you need do is maintain this level as you move forward. It should be obvious that implied in this program will be the fact that you should be setting a scheduled day for the next ejaculation in advance. This may well be as simple as deciding that the first Saturday of the month is your preferred day or may involve a more elaborate scheduling mechanism. In any case, the request/consent mechanism we have discussed should remain in place throughout. To keep things interesting, the next date should only be known by you. This will keep up the suspense and maintain your husband’s attentiveness. As such, “spot decisions” during your love making sessions are not recommended. You will invariably be distracted by your own sensations and find it difficult to make such decisions. Therefore it is highly recommended that you make your schedule at some prior moment and then stick to it. Some degree of variation of the date can also be used to maintain a healthy degree of anticipation for you both.
As you become more comfortable with the cycle you can even experiment with changing the scheduled date based on your husband’s performance. Consider awarding “bonus points” for exceptional performance by your husband. These can be used to shorten the interval till the next ejaculation date. On the flip side deduct points for undesirable behavior on your husband’s part. These negative points will lengthen the cycle. This type of carrot & stick approach can add a whole new level of playfulness to the program.
No doubt those of you who have some familiarity with the wide world of sexual practices will note a similarity to Tantric Sexual practice in our program. One of the practices of Tantra does in fact include the concept of the male withholding his ejaculation.
Withholding ejaculation has its roots in Tantra; in maithunâ, it is important that the man not discharge his semen because it is considered a precious product of the life force. Semen is transmuted into a finer substance that nourishes the higher centers of the body, which prepares it for the spiritual transformation that is the goal of Tantra. In maithunâ, women may achieve orgasm during the ritual: her excitement produces a vaginal secretion that the experienced tântrika can then suck up through his penis. The female ejaculate is thought to enrich the tântrika’s hormonal system, which further aids in his spiritual transformation
Leaving aside the metaphysical aspects of Tantra we can see that the concepts we are working with here are not totally dissimilar. One essential difference however is that this form of abstinence is self motivated. In other words although the male ejaculation is withheld as with our program, it is the male himself who decides if & when. The all-important and essential feature of our program is the principle that is the female who makes the decision about the timing of the male’s ejaculation.
THE SPICE OF LIFE
Now that you have reached a point where you are rationing your husband’s ejaculations to once every 30 days or so, you should feel free to explore the varieties of sexual experiences alluded to by Ms Dodson above. This program is definitely not about you waiting 30 days to have sex with your husband. If you are not enjoying yourself and experiencing many orgasms during the month, you have missed the point and will be overlooking the ongoing stimulation that your husband needs to keep him in tune.
One husband was expected to orally pleasure his wife on a nightly basis–and was delighted with the assignment: “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” But his nightly ministrations did not necessarily equate to ejaculation for himself. His wife liked keeping him on the edge–several weeks running, sometimes a month or longer. Did he feel victimized, reduced in manly stature? No, he felt like the “luckiest stiff” he knew, and wrote that he felt like a teenager again and that his wife had become the focus of all his fantasies, “like a goddess” to him
A wife in her early 40’s, married 12 years described her program as follows:
“Before we learned about rationing sex, we would have intercourse about once a week which included some foreplay and oral sex. My husband would almost always ejaculate inside of me after which it was like a switch had turned him off. Since adopting this program we still have actual sexual intercourse about once a week. Nowadays however he only ejaculates every fourth time we have intercourse. In between these sessions, there have been days where I have had my husband pleasure me orally or use the vibrator for me. I can set the length and intensity of these sessions and they make a very nice counterpoint to our more regular intercourse. Some nights, just to keep the heat up, I will concentrate solely on teasing or stimulating him for a few minutes before bed. These ‘10 minute teasers’ take almost no effort, yet really serve to keep his juices fermenting. For example one night, I gently massaged his bare buttocks, another time I played with his nipples, a third time I lay on the bed and told him to just kneel beside me and look at my ass in my thong underwear for 10 minutes. The results have been fabulous. My husband tells me he thinks about me all the time now. Anything I ask him to do is taken care of eagerly and he is constantly looking for his own ways to please me. During sex he really works at ensuring that I have multiple orgasms and when I finally tell him it is ok to ejaculate, he tells me the feeling is so much better than under our old regime.”
As we have seen penetrative sex while an enjoyable activity, can co-exist with other activities on an equal basis. Cunnilingus is probably the most popular alternative activity. Oral activity can also be centered on any other part of the body since erogenous zones are vast and varied, with the most popular being the breast, nipples, feet and anal areas. Depending on your desires such activity can be a one way or two way street. The fingers and hands are wonderfully manipulative things. Use them to massage, tickle, grasp, insert and otherwise stimulate the body. One partner can watch the other masturbate or you can try mutual masturbation. The use of vibrators, or any of the wide range of artificial phalluses is also encouraged. Technical ingenuity has produced a variety of dildos such as vibrating, pulse action, strap-ons, two way, anal, chin, etc. These can be of great value to enhance the sexual experience. As with oral activities try taking a two way approach with these devices. For example, you might think your husband would not be interested in being on the receiving end of a dildo, but I suggest if you ask him in the right way at the right time you might be surprised at his acceptance. In fact the anus and rectum are full of sensitive, responsive nerve endings which when stimulated through penetration can be immensely pleasurable and even orgasmic.
Anna, a 39 year old married to her husband for 7 years writes as follows:
“Todd always seemed like such a macho guy. I never thought that he would like me using a dildo on him. One night though as I was licking and rubbing his penis I asked if I could. To make a long story short he agreed and it led to a very explosive climax for him and turned me on immensely. Since that time I have purchased a strap-on harness and we often incorporate anal penetration in our love play. He finds the sensations very intense and I love the feeling of being the penetrator for a change.”
This is only one example of many I have received where couples have discovered joy in heretofore untapped erotic activity. Following this program will give you the freedom to explore and engage in the many alternate forms of intimate and sexual activity now that the encumbrance of penetrative intercourse is now longer the absolute imperative it once was.
Now that you have read through this material, take some time to think it over and discuss it with your husband. If he is the one who has pointed you to this article, you have a leg up on implementing the program since he will most likely be very agreeable. If you have discovered this material on your own or through the intercession of a friend it is probably a good idea to ask your husband to read it through also.
If you are like most women, you will certainly have read or seen other material which discusses romance and marriage. While there may have been some variety in what you might have found, undoubtedly one of the main pieces of advice to rekindle romance will recommend that you try and get away for a romantic dinner or weekend alone with your husband. This “fantasy island” scenario presumes that a brief dose of romance will suffice to counterbalance the tedium that will resume on your return to “normal” life. Those who have tried these types of outings will no doubt affirm that they enjoyed the outings but that upon their return to “normal” life, the benefit dissipated fairly quickly. Now having read the wisdom in these pages, the answer should be apparent. These outings while enjoyable, do not in themselves address the fundamental issue. They still proceed under the assumption that the romance has been won. So in effect, trying to emulate activities from your courting days while enjoyable in themselves, does not address the fundamental problem of romance. This is a little like a football player being asked to don his old uniform and replay the moments from the “big game” or asking the hunter to take out his rifle and re-stalk the moose head hanging on his basement wall. There will certainly be some joy for the person in retelling the story or reliving the moments, but these will pale compared to the original activity and quickly fade with repeated telling.
The beauty of this program is that it does not involve a brief departure into a fantasy world and return to one’s everyday life. This will become your everyday life and of course that is the key. As such it does not require any special preparations, does not require any travel, does not require any reservations and coincidentally is a lot less expensive. You should still have your special outings together but in the context of your new relationship program. So while I join with my colleagues in recommending such activities for their own sake, I also caution you not to expect any permanent improvements in your relationship based solely on such outings.
My final advice, is to remember that this path is for you to travel jointly. As I have emphasized throughout, discuss this article, your thoughts, your plans with your partner. Communication is one of the most basic foundations of a good relationship. Take a gradual approach to the changes suggested here. When you are comfortable with one stage, move to another. Remember you have the rest of your lives together. As you move through this program you will find that your husband’s desire to please you will naturally spread to other areas of your relationship. You will find that he consults you more on financial decisions, on balancing work and family, even on his choice of friends. Everything will change for the better if you lay the foundation correctly.
When you practice the philosophies laid out in this article, you are happier and your husband is happier. Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by his continual romantic pursuit, by doing the things you need and by satisfying you sexually. You are happier because you are now an object of worship, you have someone to talk to and to do the things you desire and because you are finally enjoying sex with your husband.
Indulge your wildest fantasies. As the Lady of the house set yourself upon a pedestal and let your knight pursue you romantically throughout the days and weeks. It’s amazing how many aspects of your life your new relationship will touch.