Part I – “How can I turn my wife into a hotwife?”
First, as difficult as it might be for many people to understand, the issue of “getting my wife to have sex with other men” is now one of the major topics of interest on the Internet – in particular, in Internet chatrooms. Scores of websites featuring photos are devoted to this topic. We’ll get to the “how to” issues after mentioning some preliminary things that should be considered.
Some women immediately embrace the opportunity for sexual freedom. However, I also know that many more are not interested in becoming hotwives, even though they enjoy sex and may have had numerous sexual partners before marriage. Negative cultural and personal conditioning about sexual exclusivity is just too strong. In short, it will never happen.
A woman should be in control of her body, and to try to push her into things that she is 100% dead set against will only cause major problems. So if this is clearly the case, forget it; move on to other things in life. Possibly even more important, most husbands, especially in the United States, wouldn’t allow their wives to become hotwives. Although they may entertain these thoughts in fantasies, possessiveness, jealousy and cultural conditioning ultimately prevail. However, at the same time, we know that some husbands seem to handle this without apparent ill effects on the relationship. A few husbands even claim that this arrangement has helped their relationship, especially if the wife was sexually frustrated to start with. One husband in a chatroom conversation said, “…My wife loves sex; she’s great in bed; life is short; why not let them enjoy it?” We are assuming here that you are dealing with a reluctant wife. In today’s U.S. culture many husbands, even in their 30s, have lost interest in sex – primarily due to work stress and various medications. As a result, the wife’s sexual needs are much greater than the husband’s ability to fulfill them.
Although a few wives “could care less about sex” – and that’s a topic covered elsewhere – we’ve have heard from many wives who feel acute mental and physical sexual frustration – so much so that it negatively affects their moods, feeling of well being, and their marriage. Some reluctant wives, if approached in the right way, will be willing to at least to talk about the hotwife option, and this is where things can begin. We’ve gotten letters from husbands who said their wives were very much against it at first, but after talking about it over a period of weeks or months, they changed their minds.
Before discussions begin, the husband must feel that the marriage is totally solid and that it can definitely withstand some real challenges (read: real challenges). It will help the husband’s feelings of security if he feels that his wife knows that she has a good thing in the marriage and other men could not offer her the advantages that she now enjoys. According to one husband, “She knows she has a good thing going with me , and I’m sure she’s not about to give that up.” Before we continue, the following should be considered.
The central question that needs to be asked in condoned affairs is, “Could you have sex with other men without it affecting our marriage or your feelings toward me?” Possibly an even bigger question centers on whether the man can handle the fact that his wife is having sex with other men. The vast majority can’t, especially in the United States. A open marriage or “swinging” is generally much easier for a husband to handle than simply having a hotwife. Even the men who initially feel they can handle this type of arrangement typically discover that jealousy soon enters the picture creating major problems for the primary relationship.This being said, as we’ve noted there are a few men who are secure enough in themselves and in their relationship to grant their wives permission to enjoy sex with other men. In short, they encourage and share their wife’s happiness, even when it stems from spending time with other men.
Likewise, there are a few women who value this type of opportunity enough to keep extramarital sex on the level of simple physical enjoyment, while making sure that it does not negatively impact their primary relationship. Possibly it’s unfortunate, but at the present time this level of selflessness sophistication is rare.
Part II – “Getting Things Started”
In the beginning, the exploratory hotwife discussions may take a general, impersonal form. Many of the advantages for women are outlined in the previous chapter, and these can be subtly brought out. It’s essential to approach all this from her viewpoint. Most wives know of women – both married and unmarried – who enjoy sexual variety, and it will help to find out her attitude about this. Let her talk about it in detail, and remember the things she brings out. Eventually, a wife will realize that her husband is really in favor of giving her sexual freedom. At this point she will typically have suspicions about why he wants to move in this direction. Immediately coming to mind will be the possibility that he wants to have an affair, or even that he is trying to get her interested in other men so he can get out of the marriage. These things should not be the case, and they should be addressed openly and honestly, and total assurances given. This may be the biggest obstacle and it may take much in the way of persistent, loving assurance. He should clearly communicate the attitude of, “I love you,” but our marriage doesn’t mean that you must be denied sexual experiences with other men, the kind that many other women are enjoying.
Most women have had men flirt with them or “hit” on them. He should let her know that this does not threaten him. The husband may know of a particular man that “interests” her. He might tease her about it and make it clear that it’s okay. At the same time, the dangers of going in the hotwife direction should be openly addressed, and there are many: She could fall in love with someone else. What will be the effect be of people finding out? And then there is the risk of STD (sexually-transmitted disease).
Even if she initially has no intention of moving in the hotwife direction, by discussing each of these things in a general way, it will clear the way for the possibility – a possibility that will stick with her and that she will probably think about. (Remember, according to statistics, the majority of urban working women have had or are having an affair, so she’s probably very familiar with the issue.) Once she is convinced that she has this freedom, she will feel less sexually confined and will start thinking about things differently. This difference may become evident to other men who will see her as being more relaxed and less inhibited around them. The husband might also suggest that she get used to wearing more revealing clothes, the kind that sends a message to men.
She may want to wear – or the husband may want her to wear – an ankle bracelet on her right leg, which some claim signals those “in the know” that she’s a hotwife. Although ankle bracelets are worn by many women who don’t know their association with “hotwives,” men sometimes buy their wives ankle bracelets to signal that (1) with his permission she has had sex or is having sex outside of marriage, (2) he is okay with men approaching her to see if she’s interested, and (3) she’s open to sexual affairs.
Needless to say, she needs to be on some type of full-time birth control, such as the pill (assuming she isn’t already), and she needs to always have condoms in her purse. Among other things, they serve as a reminder that if an opportunity arises, she can take advantage of it. Even more important, condoms help insure that she won’t contract a STD.
The husband may help things along by dropping hints to men about how she loves sex, and that she’s more open-minded about it than she seems. He might even let it be known that he wouldn’t mind if she had an affair. All of these things may feed upon themselves until men attempt to meet her privately to establish the beginning of a sexual relationship.
Because of the possibility of becoming emotionally involved with one sexual partner, once she gets started, she should regularly have sex with more than one man. Thus, the emphasis should shift from emotional involvement before sex to sexual enjoyment and experience. Many women simply look for men who can regularly get them to climax.
Part III – “Other Approaches”
Beyond the conversation approach we’ve talked about, there are various more direct approaches to getting a wife started having sex with other men. Participating in adult games is often a first step. It helps to have some of her friends encourage her to participate. This may start with several couples playing strip poker and then progress to some of the more explicit games involving physical contact. Peer pressure mixed with alcohol often takes over and women and men can soon lose their inhibitions. If this is repeated several times, it will give the husband an opportunity to get used to seeing his wife nude before other men. These adult games are available at many specialty stores and on the Internet.
The husband can introduce fantasies in the bedroom. He may ask his wife what man she is attracted to, and even what man she would most like to go to bed with. The husband may take the man’s part in the conversation, and while he sexually stimulates her, get her to flirt with the man in the make-believe conversation. In the same fantasy conversation this should lead to her making an obvious offer of sex. As she moves toward a climax, “dirty talk” can be encouraged, complete with using the man’s name as she climaxes.
Soon she may reach a point of saying that, given a chance, she would not turn down the man’s offer to have sex. Whether or not, this offer ever comes about it not important at this point. What is important for both the husband and wife is to experience her boldly offering herself to another man, and, if possible, climaxing while visualizing him. (She’s probably already done this in her secret fantasies, but boldly saying these things in front of her husband breaks down a major barrier.) Many women find that being able to say these things out loud can be very liberating in itself. In a way it’s a game of, “How bold can you be?” Without turning her off by pushing things to far too fast, the husband should expand these fantasies while, if possible, sexually stimulating her just short of a climax. He may get her to a point of boldly admitting out loud that she would be willing to go to bed with specific men she’s attracted to.
For a husband a good initial test to see if things should continue is to hear the wife say that she would like to go to bed with a particular man and she will no turn down an opportunity to go to bed with him. If the husband feels pangs of jealousy in hearing this, there is some question about things continuing in the hotwife direction. However, if he can honestly say, “Yes, I want you to experience that,” then the couple may be ready for the next step — following through.
Although, because of cultural conditioning, most women find all this difficult at first, if they can reach this point of being openly bold and explicit in this way, they often experience a feeling of freedom. Even if “her heart is not in it,” just playing the “game” of boldly stating out loud that she would be willing go to bed with them will alter her thinking. After going this game numerous times, she may become sexually excited just by thinking about sex with men other than her husband.
Once a wife starts down this road, it may become easy for her to flirt with men she’s interested in, and get and accept sexual offers. For most women being able to enjoy this level of sexual freedom is hard to give up. Before starting down the hotwife road, husbands need to carefully consider if this is what they really want. Beyond this, we move into “the real world.”
Part IV – “The First Time With Another Man”
The first time will be the most difficult all around, and the husband should be prepared to encourage the sexual meeting, even if the man is not his first choice for her. Subsequent meetings should also be encouraged, until she gets used to having sex with another man and is convinced that her husband has no problem with it. Although the wife may be understandably hesitant to discuss what she’s doing, and this feeling definitely needs to be respected, this is also not a time to shut down communication or avoid the “touchy” issues. Before long, everything must be brought out into the open and honestly discussed. This will also give the husband a chance to adjust to having a wife that other men sleep with – which, when he is first faced with it, may represent a very major adjustment on his part. This is not time to suddenly traverse everything and call a halt to what may well have been his idea in the first place.
Once she starts, he should adopt an unwavering show of support. If the husband responds by showing signs of being possessive or demanding, it may result in a major rift that will spell the end of the idea. These things, together with the pleasure and excitement she should eventually get from most of her experiences with desirable men should keep the ball rolling over the inevitable rough spots they will encounter – and there will be rough spots! Finally, the husband needs to be totally committed to stick with her and stick with the marriage, just as he promised he would, even when major jealousy and doubt enter the picture. (Something else you can count on!) He should keep in mind that other men have adjusted to having hotwives, and, given time, there’s no reason he can’t.
In some cases a man has arranged with another man – often a visiting out-of-town businessman or executive – to stay at the house for several days to save hotel costs and see the town or investigate business prospects. The husband should carefully fill the man in on his wife’s likes and dislikes, and the best way to approach her (generally slowly!). The husband may then ask his wife to show the man around the area, and make sure that the two of them end up being alone together for hours at a time. It’s probably not a good idea to let her know that she’s being set up.
Conversations can flirt with the erotic, which might be sparked by taking in an appropriate movie that he wants to see. Time alone together is the big element here. Often, a woman who doesn’t feel attracted to a man, will change her mind if she is in his company for a length of time. Eventually, things may start to become physical. Once she gets used to this, and if things progress smoothly and the chemistry is right, the man may suggest that the two of them go to a motel; or, by this time, if she is sufficiently comfortable with him, she might invite him into the bedroom at home. The man knows that he already has the husband’s permission, and the wife knows that she has sexual freedom, so, presumably, nothing stands in the way.
After the first time with him, he will probably find that she has diminished – possibly even no – resistance to having more sex with him before he leaves. It’s desirable that she have an opportunity to immediately repeat the experience to try to get comfortable with it. If the husband is brought in on things, he might even encourage them to spend their last night together in a motel. If both men unite in this effort, it will difficult for her to refuse, especially when it is known that she has already had sex with him. If this happens, and after the man leaves, it can bring her sexual experience out into the open where it will be easier for both of them to discuss their feelings.
The husband should be prepared for a wife who, initially, gets a bit overtaken by the excitement of new sexual experiences. She will probably be breaking through many of her earlier sexual inhibitions, and there will undoubtedly be some very mixed and probably even some disturbing feelings on the part of both the husband and wife. Assuming this new direction doesn’t “blow up” in some way – generally because of a husband’s jealousy – these feelings will normally settle in a few weeks or months. The husband should expect that the wife will undoubtedly encounter partners that are more exciting lovers than he is. Just the “newness” of a different partner will provide much of this excitement. In fact, wanting her to experience this is probably one of the husband’s motivations for giving her sexual freedom. However, the quickest ways for a wife to damage the marital relationship and cripple sex in the marriage, is for her to make comparisons – especially with such crass, insensitive statements such as, “John is able to excite me in ways you never have.”
Part V – “Navigating Some Dangerous Waters”
Clearly, these represent dangerous waters, and the wife in particular will have to be extremely careful how she handles things. She should be motivated to protect her sexual freedom by at no time letting another relationship take precedence over things in her marriage. Although she may enjoy sex with other men, this should in no way diminish her love for her husband.
In granting her sexual freedom, the husband is giving her a gift which is based on trust. Her sexual experiences should supplement the marriage, never supplant it. She needs to always ask permission from her husband before setting up sexual meetings with men, making sure he is okay with it. The husband will probably not want her to go to bed with specific men. Ideally, she should make him feel that he is always in control of things. If a husband feels that his wife and a partner are “going off on their own” (literally or figuratively) major problems will result.
When she goes out with a man for sex, he should insist on knowing who she’s with and where they are at all times. She should call him on her cell phone about any any change of plans. Rather than keep the nature of the meetings secret and spawn suspicions, she needs to be willing to openly discuss her sexual liaisons with her husband. She should understand that one of the motivations of some cuckold husbands have in granting their wives sexual freedom is in vicariously experiencing some of the excitement that she and her sexual partners experience with each other. Turning to our third example, we know of a case where a husband arranged with some men for his wife to go with them on an out of town convention. He knew that after hours they would probably go to popular night spots that included drinks and dancing. Before she left, he mentioned that one of the men would probably want to spend the night with her, and maybe she should see what it would be like. After a lot of close dancing with one of the men (mixed with alcohol), he invited her to his room for the night and she accepted. And, finally, there is the case of one husband who enlisted the help of a “stud date” to meet and seduce his wife at a party he was especially invited to. After he was successful and she met him several times for sex, the man then introduced her to another desirable man, made sure they hit it off, and then bowed out of the picture; the idea being that once she has sexual experience with two or more good lovers outside of marriage, her resistance to further liaisons would be greatly diminished.
Part VI – “Confronting the Issue of Emotional Involvement”
Sex without love or at least strong emotional involvement is new for many, if not most women, and this issue needs to be brought to the front and center of discussions. Once the hotwife door is opened, it should be agreed that if she suspects emotional involvement on the part of her sexual partner or herself, she will break off the liaison. Not to do so almost always results in major problems all the way around. In short, avoid this kind of trouble!
By regularly seeing just one man, emotional involvement can easily result. For this reason most cuckold husbands prefer that their wives make themselves available to more than one man. Sex with one man outside the marriage constitutes an “affair,” which can be a threat to a marriage; regularly enjoying and being open to safe sex with different men constitutes a “hotwife.”
Part VII – “How A Husband Copes”
Of course, all of this can be a difficult adjustment for a husband, especially if it appears to others that he’s being cuckolded in the old-fashioned sense. For this reason, the couple should clearly signal that the marriage is “open,” and just as long as the rules regarding emotional involvement, etc., are followed, the husband wants his wife (hotwife) to have new sexual experiences. He may even talk openly to other men about this, thus making it clear that she is not “cheating” on him.
Even so, given prevailing cultural attitudes, one of the biggest difficulties is for a husband to accept the fact that other men know that his wife is “sleeping around,” and, thus, he must be sexually inadequate or not in control of his wife. The wife can help here by mentioning the many women he’s bedded, and possibly even a women that he regularly sees. This can also serve to justify her sexual behaviour in people’s minds.
Out of a fear of rejection some wives don’t like to put their intentions on the line with men. They may prefer that their husbands approach men that she’s interested in, and make it clear that she would be easy to get into bed. In fact, a husband may find it sexually exciting to offer his wife to another man. He may give the man her cell phone number to arrange a date, or go so far as to set up a meeting place and time. Although the wife understands that sex is assumed, once she meets the man, she still has the option of saying “no,” if a major concern pops up.
Unlike some husbands who’s greatest fear is in thinking that other men might be enjoying their wives in bed, these husbands encourage their wives to regularly let select men take them to bed.
All this being said, and after open, honest discussions about this and assurances that it will not affect the marriage, if the wife is dead set against it, then forget it and move on to other things. Again, the woman is in charge of her body.
As we’ve noted, the cuckold husband/hotwife idea is clearly at odds with cultural conditioning and human tenancies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are common and must be recognized.
It takes a couple with a strong relationship, an unusual sense of personal security, and an ability to be independent of cultural norms and conditioning to be able to successfully adjust to an open relationship.
In fact, if “affairs” become the norm – and we are almost there now – we may be forced to re-examine our outmoded religious rationales and move to a higher standard, where relationships are based on long-term love and emotional commitment, rather than sexual exclusivity and fleeting physical experiences. Condoned sexual encounters are certainly better than the betrayal of marital confidence in “cheating.” The direction of change seems clear; but, as in the case of most major social changes, it will be a bumpy road.
Part VIII – “Conclusion – And Finally…”
It needs to be noted that there is a niche, renegade definition of hotwife used on some x-rated sites that puts her under the control of a husband whose goal is to turn her into a whore-wife. He might have her dress in revealing clothes and have her go to a party, or to the houses or apartments of men he knows, with the understanding that she is to make herself available for sex. No money is involved, and the only motivation seems to be that she demonstrates that she is willing to provide these men with sex. Some wives in this case may be acting out a prostitute fantasy with the husband as pimp. Plus, some women want to experience sex with different men without the complications of setting things in motion themselves. And, finally, then some of these women may be acting out a psychological need to experience submission. In most cases, however, these husbands simply want to demonstrate some sort of ultimate control over their wives by getting them to a point of readily agreeing to sex with men they choose. In some cases the situation is reversed with the cuckold husband getting off on his wife humiliating him by flaunting her numerous affairs in front of him, and even going so far as to force him to watch one of more men have sex with her while she berates her husband’s sexual abilities.
Although such “needs” are hard to understand, they exist and need to be recognized as part of the full scope of human needs and behaviors. Even though some husbands and wives might accept these renegade definitions, the majority of people who move in the hotwife direction feel that these views are associated with unhealthy dominant-submissive relationships that will probably at some point self-destruct. In contrast to the above, the definitions used for the terms in this article can be found here.
This article is in response to letters we’ve received about hotwives and swinging. The bugaboo in outside sexual relationships is emotional involvement. When this enters the picture with anyone but your committed partner, major problems develop. A new person can represent an exciting change over an existing relationship, but what is often not realized is that the excitement of this new relationship almost always fades. It has been shown that when a person marries the “other person,” that marriage generally fails.
By: Dr. Cherry Lee, Ph. D.